Features
Somewhat dated
In a wired world, the way we meet partners or lovers has changed
beyond recognition in a generation. Maddy Fry offers some practical
advice for believers from the world of internet dating in all its
mainstream, Christian or occasionally esoteric variations.
After several months of singledom, I'm straying back into the
world of online dating. Like many Christians, I'd welcome the
possibility of meeting other believers online. Yet popular websites
like Okcupid. com, although they provide a range of options when it
comes to listing your religious persuasion on your profile, come
with the implication that being open about your faith will put
people off.
The less said about other websites I've tried, including
Mysinglefriend.com and Guardian Soulmates, the better. The
implication in particular with the former, which operates a system
where your friends extol your virtues to would-be suitors, is that
if you are religious it will be a challenge preventing you from
coming across as a Bible-thumper.
Okcupid.com offers the option of describing your religion as
'Christianity and laughing about it,' which is essentially a fudge.
It leaves the potentially awkward issue of being a church-goer as
something to be addressed casually in conversations later on, in my
case in the hope that it will largely go unnoticed.
So far, I've found my best bet has been to label myself as
'Christian' on mainstream dating sites, mention next to nothing
about it in any of the boxes containing descriptions of tastes,
interests or aspirations, and pray I might stumble across someone
who at the very least can admit there are factual flaws in God is
Not Great.
THE NARROW ROAD
However, fleeing to Christian dating websites is rarely a
straightforward alternative, as they are frequently hidebound by
narrowness. Despite being heterosexual, on principle I'm
uncomfortable with using sites that don't provide a space for gay
and lesbian believers, which is the case with popular websites like
ChristianMingle.com, LoveandSeek.com and
ChristianFreeandSingle.com.
I'm also uneasy with the subtext underlying such sites, which is
that the users will generally be drawn from quite specific branches
of Christianity - more than likely the kind that frown not just on
gay relationships and women priests, but also on pre-marital
intercourse. As one wry review of Christian dating from a Daily
Telegraph hack put it, "Don't expect sex on a first date."2
This was further illustrated by a recent study in the Christian
Post, which claimed many Christian women attempting to find love
online still complain that on non-religious sites, men expect them
to flout their adherence to pre-marital abstinence and often choose
to break off a relationship if the woman doesn't yield.3 Christian
dating sites therefore seem to exist primarily for anyone wanting
to completely shun everything the secular mainstream might have to
offer.
Yet the same study in the Christian Post also showed that 61% of
users on Christian Mingle felttheir beliefs didn't forbid
pre-marital sex.4 For women on Christian dating sites who aren't
waiting until marriage, this doesn't seem to be reflected in the
men they encounter. While the dark stories of abuse and harassment
that some women endure online have sadly become a routine risk of
dating in cyberspace, the main gripe in the world of Christian
dating seems to be, in the words of one journalist, that it's a
universe populated by men who are "banal, pleasant and utterly
devoid of irony or character," and who are "saving their first kiss
for marriage."5
WIDENING THE PLAYING FIELD
There's arguably nothing wrong with strict parameters being in
place if it's what you're looking for. After all, much like the
brothel of Lord Baylish in the series Game of Thrones, the world of
online dating exists to cater for almost every kind of preference
so long as, in most instances, you can pay. Nowadays there are
websites appealing to tastes as esoteric as uniform dating, for
people wanting only to date those in the police/military/medical
services, and pagan dating for practicing shamans, wiccans and
druids.
Yet the choices are limited if, like me, you fundamentally want
the same thing from a dating site as non-religious users do, just
with the difference that you'd rather not be judged for wearing
your faith, overtly or otherwise, on your sleeve any more than your
political beliefs or opinions about music. In other words, if you
want to meet other Christians who also like alcohol and sex,
neither Christian or general websites are where you would go.
ANTI-GAY
The reasoning behind the exclusionary religious dating world
often isn't even ideological. The website Christian Mingle is run
by the commercial dating company Spark Networks that includes sites
for Mormons and Jews (the latter of which does allow for gay
matches). The decision to not make the Christian arm of the
business open to same-sex soul-seekers was reported to have been
the easiest way to avoid alienating believers opposed to
homosexuality, which the Jewish corporation assumed was the
"standard" demanded by the wider Christian community.6
In the case of the website eHarmony, CEO Neil Clarke Warren, a
former member of the conservative US-based pressure group Focus on
the Family, was forced by a court order to open up his dating
service to lesbians and gays. The barrage of hostility eHarmony
then faced as a result from conservative Christians led him to
claim the emphasis on marriage equality had hurt his business
financially.7 The message this seems to send out is that the sexual
politics of religious online dating is a minefield best
avoided.
Not all Christian dating websites take this approach, such as
Christian Connection, which was launched at the Greenbelt festival
in 2000. Yet the representation of gay believers on sites like
Christian Connection is sparse, even though the website's founder,
Jackie Elton, was keen to stress that they don't exclude gays.8
There is little about their advertising that isn't rigidly
heterosexual, with all the photos on the homepage showing glitzy
photos of straight couples with an emphasis on meeting in order to
get married.
The same is the case for sites like Faith Dating, which despite
allowing search options for gay and bisexual users, have no
pictures on the website to support this. It's an approach that also
holds little appeal to Christians who might want to meet either in
a more casual capacity, or be seeking a long-term relationship
without necessarily having a view to marriage.
FEW & UNIMPRESSIVE
A small number of websites marketed specifically at gay
Christians do exist, but several prolonged browsing sessions showed
them to often be poorly designed, kitted out with garish rainbow
colours and sending my browser into spasms of protest over the
amount of blocked pop-up adverts they generated. A former user told
me he had been driven back towards mainstream online dating by
sites such as Rainbow Christian, which would still charge a fee for
sending messages, but were hampered by subscribers rarely logging
in, and without offering a wide range of people to choose from. The
latter in particular is one of the most basic selling points of
dating in cyber space.
For those interested in trying to vary the selection on offer,
the main stumbling block ironically seems to be that more gay and
lesbian-friendly sites like Christian Connection are seen to have
cornered the market in catering for every religious viewpoint.
Commercially it therefore can appear to make little sense to invest
in a project as niche as gay Christian dating. An illuminating
example of this was when a friend of mine complained that the top
options for any websites aimed at gay Christians would be full of
his ex-partners.
VARIED PREFERENCES
Yet the reality is that Christians have as many romantic and
sexual preferences as secularists. While there are many who
wouldn't be comfortable expressing or acting upon them, in today's
interconnected world, those who are have the ability to meet others
like them more so than ever. Yet even Christian websites that claim
to be broader in their appeal still opt for the 'safe' option of
trying to appeal to traditional views of relationships, with the
implication that for most believers it is the default option.
Similarly, although there are many online blogs discussing the
theological underpinnings of 'Christian Kink,' as it's often
referred to, the only website I could find for matching people up
had been discontinued and archived several years ago.
The issue of trans-gender Christians, while still only
cautiously being debated compared with LGBT believers, has an even
smaller presence online. One of the few dating sites I could find
contained little more than lists of links signposting to areas
where cross-dressing and trans-gender Christians could find
support, in an area labelled 'gay Christians' - even though issues
around homosexuality and transgender identities are often separate
and highly complex.
KITSCH OR SLICK
Other websites worked - that is, failed to - in similar ways, as
well as often being clunky in structureand overly-reliant on
gimmicky flashing banners and kitsch rainbow colour schemes. this
was in stark contrast to the slick design of sites like Christian
Mingle and Christian Connection. Sadly, the implication continues
to be that those seeking love on the Internet are forced into
choosing between their sexual preferences and their faith. Even in
the 21st century, it seems as if the two are destined never to come
together.
So what should the response be from anyone who might be wishing
to broaden this particular area of cyberspace? The incident with
eHarmony suggests that dating websites can change in response to
external demands. If people feel that a Christian site is not
providing a sufficient service, writing to it, and in the process
requiring them to listen to the needs of their potential customers,
is a positive step. After all, they are commercial operations like
any other.
Furthermore, demand for specialist Internet dating services
might indeed be lower from non-mainstream Christian groups;
ignoring this, however, still makes little commercial sense, as
it's now become widely accepted that dating websites can offer very
specific niche products and services. If the online dating world
can cater purely for those who love horse-related sports, or
spouses who wish to cheat on their partners (see lovehorse.co.uk
and ashleymadison.com respectively), professional services for a
range of religious persuasions is an untapped market - whether
simply for churchgoers with a more liberal attitude to sex or for
committed believers from historically marginalised groups.
Ultimately, being bold enough to launch initiatives that
effectively fill the gap in the market is key. Those willing to
cash in would be wise to take advantage.
NOTES
1 http://www.theguardian.com/books/2007/jun/03/society
2 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/technology/reviews/4592706/
Valentines-Day-the-20-best-niche-dating-websites.html
3 http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-datingculture-
part-3-women-struggle-in-dating-scene-that-expectsopenness-
to-premarital-sex-114465/
4 http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-datingculture-
part-1-majority-of-single-christians-reject-idea-ofwaiting-
for-marriage-to-have-sex-114422/
5 http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/womens-life/10920241/
Why-these-Christian-Muslim-and-Jewish-women-despair-atreligious-
dating-sites.html
6 http://www.bloomberg.com/bw/articles/2013-02-28/
at-christianmingle-and-jdate-gods-your-wingman#p2
7 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2013/02/14/
christian-eharmony-founder-gay-marriage-damaged-ourcompany/
8
http://www.irishmirror.ie/news/irish-news/believers-makebetter-
lovers-irish-5715217
Maddy Fry is a freelance journalist who has written on
religion, politics and technology for the Daily Telegraph, the New
Statesman and Time magazine, and has appeared on Sky News, Channel
4 and Radio France International. She previously worked as a
researcher for the religion and society think-tank Theos.