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Columnists

Surfers' paradise

Dixe Wills

Step, if you will, into the classroom of my alma mater, the School for the Sons of Diseased or Fading Clergy. There's our form teacher, enthusing us with a wizard idea: we are to learn about the cut and thrust of British politics by staging our own general election. Candidates are duly raised from among my schoolfellows. Your correspondent, a contrarian to the last, stands for the Worm Lovers' Party. Perhaps it is the limited nature of its platform, which largely concerns the well being of the oligochaeta subclass of the annelid phylum, that relegates us to third place and a lost deposit.

Whizz forward 104 years and though you'll find no record of the WLP at the Electoral Commission, you will encounter a goodly selection of parties catering for all tastes and, more often than not, none (any volunteers to leaflet for the Anti Party?). Among the inevitable loons, prunes, we're-not-racist-buts and single-issue organisations there's a sprinkling of overtly religious parties, half a dozen of which fly the flag for Christianity.

Here then, as a public service to readers too busy praying and doing good works to bone up on the alternatives to the 300+ secular parties standing in the general election, is your 2010 Guide to Faith-Based Parties As Gleaned From Their Websites Or, In The Case Of Two Of Them, Lack of Website:

Christian Democratic Party. Boasting more pink and purple than a Barbara Cartland convention, the CDP pulls no punches with its opening manifesto pledge: 'To provide efficient central organisation at the registered office.' Once they've mastered the answer-machine they're going all out to retain sterling, which is doubtless what Jesus would have wanted too given his views on money changers.

Christian Movement for Great Britain. 'Our ethos is the restoration of Great Britain, our culture and values. Moral correctness, not "political correctness"...blah blah blah'. One for those who still look on muesli with suspicion.

Christian Party 'Proclaiming Christ's Lordship'. With a motto of 'Low Taxes, Small Government, Christian Roots & Justice' here are Britain's very own Teabaggers. Their leader, George Hargreaves, wrote and produced Sinitta's 'So Macho' which possibly explains his party's otherwise bizarre aspiration to raise the motorway speed limit to 90mph.

Christian Peoples Alliance Eschewers of apostrophes, the CPA boasts five elected local councillors and notched up 250,000 votes in last year's European Parliament elections. Their website looks shockingly professional too. Any more of this malarky and people may no longer see all Christians as nutjobs.

The clumsily-monikered Clause 28, Children's Protection Christian Democrats and Kingdom of God Christ's Ambassadors are, sadly, both missing in action. Perhaps therefore we should leave the last word to the Church of the Militant Elvis Party who boldly proclaim that 'the established church's involvement with the global market is yet another contradiction of Jesus' teachings.' Discuss.