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The online diary of George Sodini

Extracts from the online diary of George Sodini, a 48-year-old computer programmer. This summer, he walked into an aerobics class at a gym in Pittsburgh and started shooting. He killed three women and injured nine more before taking his own life.

Why do this? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going to drag on.

December 22, 2008
Many of the young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. I started lifting weights and like it. Much info about weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.

December 24, 2008
No girlfriend since 1984. Who knows why? I am not ugly or too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over 18 years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things. Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8 days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.

December 29, 2008
Just got back from tanning. I actually look good. I dress good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne - yet 30 million women rejected me. That is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job, career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded. Looking back over everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever change I choose.

December 30, 2008
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The caller was a 30-ish black man who was describing the despair in certain black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous behavior which tends to shorten their lifespans, to die now and avoid the next 30 crappy years.

December 31, 2008
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began lifting weights. I guess strenuous exercise is necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked about my life's details and told me what he knew. He was just a useless sperm donor. Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of continuing. At almost 50 one is expected to just know these things. I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday. Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!

Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well make a summary of sorts. Honorable mention: the church - 'Be Ye Holy, even as I have been Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!', as pastor would proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years. I think his crap did the most damage. I have been in bar rooms and church groups. The worst people by far are the religious types. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt, shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict.

January 6, 2009
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie - just going through the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive homeā€¦ My mind is screwed up anymore, I can't concentrate at work or think at all. It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!

April 24, 2009
Early last month, we had our second general layoff. I survived. When I began ten years ago, that used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at this time. Most people there are OK and I would never have a shoot 'em up there. They paid me for 10 years, so far! I predict I won't survive the next layoff. That is when there is no point to continue. Right now, life is bearable and I can get by indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left. The future holds nothing for me.

May 4, 2009
The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy life. I know I will never enjoy life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is still the same. What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something, that's one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your car to go somewhere - you hesitate with a thought: 'What am I forgetting?'. In this case, I cannot make a return trip! I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me and give it bluntly yet tactfully what I am doing wrong. A personal coach or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect.

May 5, 2009
To pull the plan off, it popped into my mind to use some booze. I haven't had a drink for 20 years. It doesn't matter now, I need it to take the edge off of carrying out the plan. I am feeling too good to do this, but too bad to enjoy anything. My life's dilemma.

May 25, 2009
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman there asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But, thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.

May 29, 2009
Another lonely Friday night, I'm done. This is too much.

July 20, 2009
I got a promotion and a raise. No more grunt programming. New boss is great. But that is not what I want in life. There is something blatantly wrong with me that no goddam person will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and say nice things to me.

August 2, 2009
The biggest problem of all is not having relationships or friends. Everthing stays the same regardless of the effort I put in.

August 3, 2009
I took off some time to practice my routine. I need to work out every detail. Tomorrow is the big day. Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told. Eternal life does not depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell. Christ paid for every sin, so how can I or you be judged by God for a sin when the penalty was already paid? People judge but that does not matter. I was reading the Bible  yesterday, because soon I will see them.